Dear Grandma,
It's been 4 years since you're gone.. Life's changing too much for me.. Ever since your death, I meet almost new people everyday, new stories, so I can't seem to remember your death just too much.. Life brings me nowhere 'til today. There are many things I've figured out from myself, and it's so sad that you can't see what are they. Gran, now I can play the guitar just like you, and I understand some keyboard's chords just like what you did when I was just a little girl. I learn a lot about your music, and I enjoy listening to them all every time I'm alone. I found my passion on arts more than science.. and I want you to know that I'm looking forward to be in a multimedia university, so will you pray for me from above? It'll mean so much for me if you did. I keep asking to God, why won't He answer my prayer, to keep you alive until I go to college and maybe until you finally see me graduated from high school. It's so sad that you didn't even see me when I'm graduated from middle school. But I always try not to blame the destiny and God's choice. I know you were taken away because you wanted to see me and protect me from the above, maybe not beside me, but from the above.
Right now, I'm playing a song that always reminds me of you, it's tears in Heaven. You know, Gran, I always cry every time I hear this song.. It's just, I'm talking to you even though I know that you're all gone. I'm just hoping maybe if you could hear me singing every time this song is on. I don't want to be sad for a long time like this, but, I just can't walk away from the past, trying to act like you're not even dead at all, trying to keep calm when I can't stand my loneliness. To be honest I felt so lonely after your death. There ain't nobody who can fill my loneliness, not even my crazy friends. They're there but I can't seem to accept them, not it's not me that can't accept them to fill my loneliness, it's my heart that keeps denying them, it's always been you, Gran.. but why?
Gran, mom has been the strongest woman during these times, every time I talked about you, I know her her is broken, but she keeps showing her smile and act like a strong woman, I can't seem to be like mom, she's too strong. I hope I could always cheer her up, I know she's lonely, maybe more than me, so please will you pray for her too? I think that would be better if she feels happy every time because her life is blessed by your prayer, Gran.. don't worry, she always pray for you, and Grandpa.. hoping that one day we all can reunite together in heaven. I will pray for you and Grandpa too :') so we can be together in heaven.
But there's just one thing that I doubt every time I remember the first line in Tears in Heaven, it's: "Would you know my name, if I saw you in heaven?". That makes me sad to death, i'm afraid you'll forget me, forget my name, forget what we've done in earth, forget everything, and we're standing above just like strangers. I don't want it to be like that.. honestly I'm scared, Gran. Right now, I just want my old life back, somewhat it couldn't be done, because life goes on and you can't rewind it even if you want to. There are bad people in my life and they're just too much, Gran. Not like when you were here, everything seems to be okay. I miss people in my old life. I want them back, but some of them are gone, some are dead and some are living, but changing too much. I hate changes, now everyone makes me change. Now everyone want a revolution, and I just respect them based on their attitude. Some people in my life now just don't know how to use their brain in life, love, friendship and more, sometimes they make me sick, but sometimes I'm too deep for them, sometimes I enjoy the ride, sometimes I just want to leave this place so bad.
There are a lot of things I wanted to say and type, Gran. I do, but it'll be too long and I'm getting tired too, I shed a tear when I typed this and I wanted you to read this, even though somehow I don't know how. Well, then, wish me luck for everything that I choose, Gran, pray for my high school year, pray for my college, pray for my career, and pray for us, mom, dad, Haekal, and Unc. Dody are missing you as well. Take care, Gran :) just like what you always told me to do..
I miss you :(
